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Sunday, July 26, 2009
Emptiness in the heart

Yesterday afternoon my father's voice became all so gentle when answering the phone. Just as expected, it was a phone call from my aunt who just came back from China, probably calling here to ask him to buy things. & the tone is so gentle, never did he used that tone on us. It's just so unfair, he always treat my cousin, other people's children way better than us. Everytime we ask him buy thing like not happy, other people ask him buy immediately go. He just wanted to boot lick his sister 'cause she's rich. Even when raining heavily also don't want drive me to school, his friends ask him to drive them to don't know where he immediately go. Then was kinda angry so I said: 你看他们以后会不会养你. Of course he was speechless. Of course people treat their children better right but he did the exact opposite. As if you treat them so good now, in future they will support you.

During the evening was trying to do math but can't do at all. Tried to think of points for Chinese compo but only came up with 2. My kor went to sleep so only left me in the living room. Watched the same news for the second time. Was curled up on the sofa, looking at whatever things that caught my interest at that point of time. Started thinking of many things. Thought of things that happened this year, in a flash, seven months had passed. Thought of the unlucky number seven. Thought of how much I've lost within this month of July (which coincidentally is the seventh month of the year & 7 happened to be my unlucky number this year). Everything I used to have just slipped off my hand; not because I didn't cherish it but maybe it's just.. fate. Maybe it just had to be this way. Maybe everyone would be happier this way... when I'm out of the picture. I'm not going to try anymore 'cause no matter how hard I tried, I always fail. I'm giving up. Sometimes things are never meant to be yours so why bother holding on to it? Sometimes I'm really tired of faking the smile, the laughter. Tried to laugh when there's a joke, tried to blend in but it just seem so fake. Tried to smile, tried to reassure others that I'm alright but I'm so tired of doing that. I've forgotten how it feels like to have a good laugh; how it feels like to smile & you really meant it.

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♥iloveyou 11:37 am